I'm thankful that I'm about to start the part of my medical career where I can interact with people regularly, and more than just seeing people, but seeing the same people more than once and getting to develop a relationship with them. Studying, for all it's worth, can only bring so much gratification (if much at all, most times). The real payoff in studying is when it is finally put to use in helping someone. Every once in a while, I get those little moments here and there, and I can remember why I'm pushing down this hard road of medical training.
My younger cousin has systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) or "lupus" as most people have heard it called. She's only 17. I think most people have at least heard of lupus but few seem to know what it is. Lupus is an autoimmune disorder, where your body creates antibodies that bind proteins in your blood, and they get stuck in the blood vessels and cause damage when immune cells react with them. It can cause lung, kidney, skin, heart, and joint disease, and at one time was a very serious disease. Now it is very treatable, with most people living perfectly normal lives, to some extent.
My cousin got in touch with me because she had recently seen her doctor and was getting a couple of new medications, and knowing her older cousin James was going to be a doctor, decided that I would be able to answer her questions. Questions aside, she told me she was glad I was her cousin who she could talk to about medical issues. Soon the conversation turned away from the medications and on to how living with lupus has affected her life. She's frustrated and upset that she tires easily, and can't play soccer or softball like she used to. She told me she wishes she didn't have lupus and could go back to life without it. It breaks my heart hearing those things, but it makes me so happy to hear her tell me that she loves me and loves to be able to talk to me because I can understand what she's going through. Perhaps it's a little more rewarding because she's family, but you see, she thinks I'm a hero.
I have a friend who is sold out to be the best doctor he can be. He took the MCAT this spring while also taking Histology, a traditionally demanding class from what I hear. I frequently see him out studying when I visit the Artisan, and oftentimes he has stopped me to ask questions on things he's unsure about. Pretending to actually know more biomedical science than I perhaps really do, I answer him to the best of my ability. He also oftentimes asks me questions about the process of getting into medical school, why I want to be a doctor, and so on. One day, while checking my email, I received a letter from him thanking me for being an excellent role model and something of a mentor to him. I'm just doing my best to give of what I know.
My pastor gave a brief dissertation over a passage from the book of Phillipians on Saturday night. Really, it was a random, obscure passage that didn't have much of a "traditional" lesson in it; there was no parable, no sage words of wisdom, but only some personal comments from Paul to the Philippians. In a table with observation and interpretation notes was one section with a phrase "Care so much that it hurts!" This can be all too easy, mostly because it is hard to love others deeply without desiring some kind of feedback. A "thank you" here and there, someone's praise in front of others, others returning the love to you. It's easy to get let down when you realize that most of the time you're giving upwards of ten-times the love as most people return to you. It's wearisome, you get tired, you get bitter and feel jaded and the world is no longer beautiful, but rather a harsh take-without-give reality. I know that feeling pretty well.
The biggest reason I get so tired is because of the above mentioned reasons, or to state it differently, because I am seeking the return love of other people, when I should be seeking it from God. Studying Romans 5:5 today a book mentioned the signifigance of the phrase "poured out his love for us", and that in the Greek "poured out" signifies a gushing source that doesn't end. God's love doesn't end. It was a rather good lesson to turn to this morning, at a rather useful time.
So that's a little sidetracked maybe, but here's how for me I tie it together: I am going to be constantly giving and loving from everything I have (and as a Christian, I'm called all the more to love others with everything I have), and if I don't have some source to refresh from, those stores of love and caring will get taxed and eventually dry. I have to pray quite often, and quite pleadingly to God, that I be restored and renewed with his love so that I can love others. Today as I was walking the street by my house I was praying that, and I felt like there was a pouring into my heart of something refreshing, something filling me back up to be ready to pour out on others. It's rather profound, perhaps, but at the same time simple. So long as I am diligent about going back to the source of love, it'll be rather easy to be a hero when I need to be. And maybe, even when I'm not trying to be because it'll be such a natural extension of the love God's shown me already.
No matter the reasons for it, I know one thing is certain, that I love people and caring for them, and to find myself pursuing a career where I am paid to do it? That's priceless.
