Lately, I've been thinking about Tyler. His desk chair and his electric razor are two things of his that I kept (many people who knew him took items that belonged to him, to put them to use instead of going to trash and to remember him by). Sitting in what was once his chair, I can "visit" with him, in a sense. I know others who knew him are doing the same when they look at pictures, or what they kept of his.
"You are the salt of the earth. Buf if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
--- Jesus, Matthew 5:13-16
This was the foundation for my friend Jack's message at our first Christian Medical-Dental Assoc. medical student group meeting. It was a talk he was giving titled "How to influence Mizzou for Christ," and it was so incredibly moving to be blessed by an hour of talk on what this passage means. The whole time through, I felt like I was being given something Tyler wanted me to have.
Now, I'm cautiously mystical when it comes to circumstance, coincidence, and the like. I'm not sure if people in heaven have any sort of awareness of earthly affairs. My intuition and all my reading in the Bible lead me to say no; the worries of this world and its affairs do not reach those already gone to God. However, I won't discount the possibility that they get the chance to pray before God's throne for us. Or at the very least, God is remembering us for them, and being certain to remind us of those we love who are now with him.
Thanks, Tyler, and thank you, Father.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
School, Shaving, Serpentine Belts, and Sex
It's been all about the S the last few days.
On Saturday (ironic, it starts with an 'S' day), my battery in my Jeep completely died a sudden death. There was a plastic sleeve attached to the battery that contained the purchase receipt. Purchased in 2002, well that explains it. It took about 10 - 15 phone calls to actually find someone available to take me to O'Reily's (I was trying to work out in concentric circles from my house), but I finally got a new battery. The guy testing the old one simply said, "Yup, it's dead," with a total resignation telling me that there was no hope in rejuvenating it. New battery, check. Now I'm mobile again...
Fast forward to where I'm headed west on Stadium. A loud thunk followed by an instantaneous loss of power steering control, coupled with a drop in battery voltage from 14 V to barely 10 V, and a slowly rising engine thermometer told me something was wrong with the Jeep. I drove to HyVee's parking lot, popped the hood, and to my horror see my shredded serpentine belt wrapped around the fan axle and held tight. This explained everything; the thunk I heard while driving was the serpentine belt coming loose and falling into the fan blades, pulling the belt off the power steering pump (causing a loss of power steering), the alternator (causing the sudden drop in engine voltage). The freezing up of the fan and lack of water pump circulation triggered the slow and steady rise of engine temperature well beyond what an engine should run (had I thought of it at the time, I could have helped ease the engine temp by turning on my heater full blast to dissipate the heat). After Adam helped me replace the serpentine belt, he noticed that the water pump pulley had bad bearings, and so today we towed it to a garage, explained the problem, and asked for a check-up and estimate.
Year two started today, and it'll be fun and challenging. This year is all pathology; the study of the mechanisms of disease. We had a lecture on cellular response to injury, which covered hypoxia, necrosis, apoptosis, and some other fun stuff. We also had two lectures on patient care; one was diagnostic approach to cough and dyspnea (difficulty breathing) and chest radiology (with lots of chest x-ray cases). Fun!
I'm starting to use Tyler's old electric razor. I have been having lots of thoughts on the whole "keep something to remember him by" philosophy. At times I've felt guilty for benefiting through a friend's death, at others happy to help redeem stuff that may otherwise find it's way to the dumpster. There's still several other things sitting around that belonged to Tyler, although most of his stuff is gone. There are a few books that he read portions of, or had plans to read, that his parents left behind. One of them I'll likely read. Some days I look at the remaining stuff that belonged to him thinking he'll still be coming back to pick it up; I'm just borrowing some things, really. At least, without those remnants, it'd be far harder to remember the year we three just finished living together and the life he lived here.
As for the sex, I found this article in the news today. Just a little food for thought. Maybe some of you I know work around teenagers will find it an interesting topic.
On Saturday (ironic, it starts with an 'S' day), my battery in my Jeep completely died a sudden death. There was a plastic sleeve attached to the battery that contained the purchase receipt. Purchased in 2002, well that explains it. It took about 10 - 15 phone calls to actually find someone available to take me to O'Reily's (I was trying to work out in concentric circles from my house), but I finally got a new battery. The guy testing the old one simply said, "Yup, it's dead," with a total resignation telling me that there was no hope in rejuvenating it. New battery, check. Now I'm mobile again...
Fast forward to where I'm headed west on Stadium. A loud thunk followed by an instantaneous loss of power steering control, coupled with a drop in battery voltage from 14 V to barely 10 V, and a slowly rising engine thermometer told me something was wrong with the Jeep. I drove to HyVee's parking lot, popped the hood, and to my horror see my shredded serpentine belt wrapped around the fan axle and held tight. This explained everything; the thunk I heard while driving was the serpentine belt coming loose and falling into the fan blades, pulling the belt off the power steering pump (causing a loss of power steering), the alternator (causing the sudden drop in engine voltage). The freezing up of the fan and lack of water pump circulation triggered the slow and steady rise of engine temperature well beyond what an engine should run (had I thought of it at the time, I could have helped ease the engine temp by turning on my heater full blast to dissipate the heat). After Adam helped me replace the serpentine belt, he noticed that the water pump pulley had bad bearings, and so today we towed it to a garage, explained the problem, and asked for a check-up and estimate.
Year two started today, and it'll be fun and challenging. This year is all pathology; the study of the mechanisms of disease. We had a lecture on cellular response to injury, which covered hypoxia, necrosis, apoptosis, and some other fun stuff. We also had two lectures on patient care; one was diagnostic approach to cough and dyspnea (difficulty breathing) and chest radiology (with lots of chest x-ray cases). Fun!
I'm starting to use Tyler's old electric razor. I have been having lots of thoughts on the whole "keep something to remember him by" philosophy. At times I've felt guilty for benefiting through a friend's death, at others happy to help redeem stuff that may otherwise find it's way to the dumpster. There's still several other things sitting around that belonged to Tyler, although most of his stuff is gone. There are a few books that he read portions of, or had plans to read, that his parents left behind. One of them I'll likely read. Some days I look at the remaining stuff that belonged to him thinking he'll still be coming back to pick it up; I'm just borrowing some things, really. At least, without those remnants, it'd be far harder to remember the year we three just finished living together and the life he lived here.
As for the sex, I found this article in the news today. Just a little food for thought. Maybe some of you I know work around teenagers will find it an interesting topic.
A glorious mess
Originally Aug, 3rd
In the last week and a half, I think that I have been asked "How are you doing/feeling?" more times than I can ever recall in such a short period. I had talked with someone about how reflexive it is for me to simply say 'pretty good' and push off the question. The truth is, I have not been good, and I don't know how to answer that question. The truth is, I want to talk about how I am doing, but often don't see so simple and common a greeting as a gateway to really opening up about how I feel. The truth is, I have probably still withheld a lot of feelings and problems I have dealt with in the last twelve days than most people are even aware of, and not because I don't want to share them. I haven't shared everything that has been going on because I don't know how to share it. I don't know if I should share it. I don't know how honest I can be about how I feel.
I love my church community. I can't stand my church community. I'm so lucky to have the friends I do have. People suck, and it is too much pain and frustration to have to deal with all of you in the world. Stop the planet, I'm getting off. God help me, and give me a heart of love.
So very much of the past week has revolved around Tyler in some form or another, and that is beautiful. But, I want so badly to move past such a narrow focus and know what is going on in a broader sense in people's lives. I want to ask the questions 'What are you learning in all of this?', 'What do you want people to remember in your death?', 'How is this affecting your view and opinion of community, and the church?', 'How is this shaping your thoughts about people?', 'Has this made it easier or harder to love people?', 'Does this make you love God more, and do you appreciate yourself?', 'What do you see needing to be done in community, that may be possible in the wake of this tragedy?'
I want to answer these questions myself, and I want to hear others answers as well. I want to talk about them with my most familiar friends, but I also want to talk about them with the people who I don't talk to very much in our church, or the people who are difficult to get to have a conversation with. I want to know people listen when I scream; I don't want to use feedback as a mask for a sense of entitlement to recognition or having a friendship with everyone. I want to have clarity, organization to thoughts. I want out of this rut; I don't want to leave this mess and become comfortable.
I want to know love, and peace. Rest. I want to know what I am supposed to feel/think/say/do/etc.
In the last week and a half, I think that I have been asked "How are you doing/feeling?" more times than I can ever recall in such a short period. I had talked with someone about how reflexive it is for me to simply say 'pretty good' and push off the question. The truth is, I have not been good, and I don't know how to answer that question. The truth is, I want to talk about how I am doing, but often don't see so simple and common a greeting as a gateway to really opening up about how I feel. The truth is, I have probably still withheld a lot of feelings and problems I have dealt with in the last twelve days than most people are even aware of, and not because I don't want to share them. I haven't shared everything that has been going on because I don't know how to share it. I don't know if I should share it. I don't know how honest I can be about how I feel.
I love my church community. I can't stand my church community. I'm so lucky to have the friends I do have. People suck, and it is too much pain and frustration to have to deal with all of you in the world. Stop the planet, I'm getting off. God help me, and give me a heart of love.
So very much of the past week has revolved around Tyler in some form or another, and that is beautiful. But, I want so badly to move past such a narrow focus and know what is going on in a broader sense in people's lives. I want to ask the questions 'What are you learning in all of this?', 'What do you want people to remember in your death?', 'How is this affecting your view and opinion of community, and the church?', 'How is this shaping your thoughts about people?', 'Has this made it easier or harder to love people?', 'Does this make you love God more, and do you appreciate yourself?', 'What do you see needing to be done in community, that may be possible in the wake of this tragedy?'
I want to answer these questions myself, and I want to hear others answers as well. I want to talk about them with my most familiar friends, but I also want to talk about them with the people who I don't talk to very much in our church, or the people who are difficult to get to have a conversation with. I want to know people listen when I scream; I don't want to use feedback as a mask for a sense of entitlement to recognition or having a friendship with everyone. I want to have clarity, organization to thoughts. I want out of this rut; I don't want to leave this mess and become comfortable.
I want to know love, and peace. Rest. I want to know what I am supposed to feel/think/say/do/etc.
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