Skip to main content

A glorious mess

Originally Aug, 3rd

In the last week and a half, I think that I have been asked "How are you doing/feeling?" more times than I can ever recall in such a short period. I had talked with someone about how reflexive it is for me to simply say 'pretty good' and push off the question. The truth is, I have not been good, and I don't know how to answer that question. The truth is, I want to talk about how I am doing, but often don't see so simple and common a greeting as a gateway to really opening up about how I feel. The truth is, I have probably still withheld a lot of feelings and problems I have dealt with in the last twelve days than most people are even aware of, and not because I don't want to share them. I haven't shared everything that has been going on because I don't know how to share it. I don't know if I should share it. I don't know how honest I can be about how I feel.

I love my church community. I can't stand my church community. I'm so lucky to have the friends I do have. People suck, and it is too much pain and frustration to have to deal with all of you in the world. Stop the planet, I'm getting off. God help me, and give me a heart of love.

So very much of the past week has revolved around Tyler in some form or another, and that is beautiful. But, I want so badly to move past such a narrow focus and know what is going on in a broader sense in people's lives. I want to ask the questions 'What are you learning in all of this?', 'What do you want people to remember in your death?', 'How is this affecting your view and opinion of community, and the church?', 'How is this shaping your thoughts about people?', 'Has this made it easier or harder to love people?', 'Does this make you love God more, and do you appreciate yourself?', 'What do you see needing to be done in community, that may be possible in the wake of this tragedy?'

I want to answer these questions myself, and I want to hear others answers as well. I want to talk about them with my most familiar friends, but I also want to talk about them with the people who I don't talk to very much in our church, or the people who are difficult to get to have a conversation with. I want to know people listen when I scream; I don't want to use feedback as a mask for a sense of entitlement to recognition or having a friendship with everyone. I want to have clarity, organization to thoughts. I want out of this rut; I don't want to leave this mess and become comfortable.

I want to know love, and peace. Rest. I want to know what I am supposed to feel/think/say/do/etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The $2000 monkey on my back, deferred

It’s been more than a week, and I think an update is due. Plus, I can give updates on my own status with my heart murmur, having seen the doctor this past Friday. The only thing that has kept me from updating until now is simply laziness (in other words, I was far too busy studying/eating/cleaning/sleeping to actually relax and write). This past Friday I went to the Student Health Center to see my doctor about the previously mentioned murmur recently discovered. My doctor presumed it was most likely an innocent flow murmur, which occurs if a heart valve doesn’t close all the way or in time when the heart beats, allowing blood to flow back the opposite way, and the blood causes turbulence heard as noise. If you’ve ever heard turbulent water flowing over and through rocks and back upstream in eddies in a river, you should get the idea of what a murmur is. It was recommended that I have an echocardiography done, or an ultrasound picture of my heart. This would allow us to see exactly how ...
Read more

Learning Leadership

This past Thursday-Friday was the annual Internal Medicine Residency PGY-2 (means a second year resident) Leadership Retreat. At the retreat, we had several lectures, breakout discussion sessions, and role play practice in how to employ leadership skills that help foster a positive learning and working environment. The lecture and discussion series was led by facilitators who have been trained through the Stanford Faculty Development Center and utilizes their Clinical Teaching Program curriculum. The focus was for how we, as residents, can facilitate a positive learning environment for incoming interns and for medical students on the team. It also focused on how to set goals for an inpatient team, and how to best use your attending as a resource. Overall, it was a great retreat. Though many people think that some people are natural born leaders, I think many leadership qualities, if not most, can be learned and trained. Sometimes those who have had some kind of training or learning in...
Read more

Pediatrics clinic and becoming compassionate

On Tuesday I had my third day in the pediatrics pulmonary clinic. I am grateful for the experience I have had there. I have been given a lot of practice in interviewing and examining patients that I would not normally have in my APD class. The first time there, I was nervous and avoidant of seeing any patients by myself. This Tuesday, however, I saw several alone before they were seen by the doctor, and prior to being seen by the doctor would return and give him the rundown, a.k.a. presenting the patient. I was getting better even as the morning wore on. One thing challenging about pediatrics is that your patient is often only a third your size with a will and defiance five times your own, making for a formidable adversary. When you ask an adult patient to comply with a request, generally they will without much hesitation. When you ask a child, you are first faced with putting the request in a manner they will understand. Second, you must ask it in a way that they will comply with. Tha...
Read more