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A glorious mess

Originally Aug, 3rd

In the last week and a half, I think that I have been asked "How are you doing/feeling?" more times than I can ever recall in such a short period. I had talked with someone about how reflexive it is for me to simply say 'pretty good' and push off the question. The truth is, I have not been good, and I don't know how to answer that question. The truth is, I want to talk about how I am doing, but often don't see so simple and common a greeting as a gateway to really opening up about how I feel. The truth is, I have probably still withheld a lot of feelings and problems I have dealt with in the last twelve days than most people are even aware of, and not because I don't want to share them. I haven't shared everything that has been going on because I don't know how to share it. I don't know if I should share it. I don't know how honest I can be about how I feel.

I love my church community. I can't stand my church community. I'm so lucky to have the friends I do have. People suck, and it is too much pain and frustration to have to deal with all of you in the world. Stop the planet, I'm getting off. God help me, and give me a heart of love.

So very much of the past week has revolved around Tyler in some form or another, and that is beautiful. But, I want so badly to move past such a narrow focus and know what is going on in a broader sense in people's lives. I want to ask the questions 'What are you learning in all of this?', 'What do you want people to remember in your death?', 'How is this affecting your view and opinion of community, and the church?', 'How is this shaping your thoughts about people?', 'Has this made it easier or harder to love people?', 'Does this make you love God more, and do you appreciate yourself?', 'What do you see needing to be done in community, that may be possible in the wake of this tragedy?'

I want to answer these questions myself, and I want to hear others answers as well. I want to talk about them with my most familiar friends, but I also want to talk about them with the people who I don't talk to very much in our church, or the people who are difficult to get to have a conversation with. I want to know people listen when I scream; I don't want to use feedback as a mask for a sense of entitlement to recognition or having a friendship with everyone. I want to have clarity, organization to thoughts. I want out of this rut; I don't want to leave this mess and become comfortable.

I want to know love, and peace. Rest. I want to know what I am supposed to feel/think/say/do/etc.

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